I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
