I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
