I wish you could order shots online.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
