I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
