Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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