i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
