you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
