perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize