He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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