i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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