remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
