FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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