We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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