Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
