i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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