Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
