Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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