so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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