sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
