True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
