I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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