you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize