tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
