and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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