you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
