I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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