In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
