What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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