singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
