what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
