i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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