My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
