so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
