I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
