I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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