My hand turned me down
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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