Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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