I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My ATM looks so different sober.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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