did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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