My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
