I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
