i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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