Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
