She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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