my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it's like heaven, but drunker
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
