lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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