I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
