You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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