he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
