Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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