Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
