My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Green mimosas i think yes
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize