I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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