i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
