The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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