i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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