What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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