hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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