I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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